Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Happiest &^$*ing Place on Earth

We just returned from a four-day Disneyland extravaganza. I know, that sounds like a good thing, but in reality, we managed to traumatize two of our children within the first twenty minutes of being in the park, and they didn't recover until the very last day of our trip.


For those of you who have never experienced the kind of lapse in judgment that allows you to justify spending loads of money for the purposes of hopefully seeing a giant mouse in person, let me tell you a little about Disneyland. Disneyland is a wonderful place, full of happiness, and fairies, and fun themed rides which seem like a really good idea when you are waiting in the giant rat mazes for your turn, but which actually contain all of the elements needed to cause your small children to need therapy for the rest of their lives. For example, Matt and I entered the Happiest Place on Earth with our three children in tow, and headed straight for Space Mountain. We spent the next fifteen minutes talking up the kids about how much fun they were going to have, and that it would be just like riding a rocket into space.

I'm surprised Child Protective Services weren't waiting at the ride exit so they could remove our two weeping children directly from our evil clutches and place them with more appropriate parents, such as Charles Manson or Britney Spears. Of course, Maggie loved it, because she's adventurous and not afraid of space monsters or the dark. Luke and Ella, on the other hand, had experienced every phobia-inducing thing possible in the space of two minutes. Finally, after three days of trying to talk them down off a ledge every time we tried to take them on a ride, they gave in and went with us on Pirates of the Caribbean, which they both loved, and the Haunted Mansion which Ella loved but during which Luke never once opened his eyes.

So, as the seasoned Disney traveller that I am, I offer up my top tips for travelling to the Happiest Place on Earth and returning with as much money and as many of your children as possible.

Tip #1: Start Small.

If you have small children, it's best to ease them into the whole Disney Experience. Sure, on the outside it's all colorful and happy and whimsical, but lurking behind that polished exterior is a seedy underworld of terror-inducing items such as Yetis and bats and giant snakes and falling rocks and annoying singing dolls who bear a striking resemblance to Chucky. Instead of heading straight for the Space Mountain of Fear, you may instead want to opt for something more calming, like unanesthetized fingernail removal or It's A Small World. After you have gone on several of the inane rides in Fantasyland such as Pinocchio's Journey, Snow White's Journey, Peter Pan's Journey, and That Caterpillar from Some Movie I Forget Right Now's Journey, you can amp it up a little bit and head for the really fun stuff that will cause you to wonder why you ever thought strapping yourself to a roller coaster car operated by a guy in leiderhosen was a good idea.

Tip #2: Bring Lots of Money.

Lets face it, folks...all of that Officially Licensed Happiness (TM) isn't free. In fact, Disneyland is like the grocery checkout aisle on steroids: every ride you go on ends with a fun-filled walk through a themed gift shop that contains the one perfect thing that your child has to have or they will spend the rest of their existence in a grief-induced state of catatonia. In what I thought was a flash of brilliance not seen since Einstein wrote his Theory of Relativity, I informed the children immediately upon landing in California that they would not be allowed to purchase any souvenirs until we were ready to leave Disneyland on the last day. That way, I argued, they could peruse all that the marketing geniuses had to offer and they wouldn't find something else to purchase five seconds after they bought, wore and destroyed whatever souvenir they felt they couldn't live without. This had the effect of limiting the instances of pleading for items to the minimum allowed by Disney Law, which is 15 per child, per day, not including pleading for cotton candy or churros.

Food is also expensive. My husband made a good observation, for which I will give him credit to get him off my back about me always having to be right. When you are in, near, or within 50 miles of Disneyland, it is impossible to feed a family of 5 for less than $50. Impossible. Pizza in Downtown Disney? $75.00. McDonalds "Extra Value Meals?" $50.00. Mouse-shaped ice cream bars and frozen bananas on sticks? AT LEAST $50.00. Sure, we had all of these plans to save money...we agreed to never eat in the park because eating in the park is for dummies and we are seasoned non-dummy travelers who would never succumb to paying $10 for an officially licensed corn dog just to get the kids to shut up. But no matter where we ate, it was at least $50, especially if I needed a glass of wine for medicinal purposes, which of course I did. Which brings me to my next tip.

Tip #3: Millie's Restaurant Sucks Hairy Man Parts.

For those of you who have never had the extreme intestinal discomfort-inducing misfortune of dining at Millie's, let me give you an overview. Millie's is a "classic American restaurant" conveniently located about a block from the main gate of Disneyland. It's cute from the outside, and looks as if you could at least enjoy a comfortably mediocre meal for $50, which is what I promise you would spend even if you were eating a meal composed mainly of the sauce packets at Taco Bell.

Looks are deceiving. In fact, Millie's is like the angler fish of restaurants: they lure you in with the homey decor, and proceed to feed you food of such epic badness that it defies all culinary rules and the laws of physics. For example, my breakfast was simultaneously burned to a crisp and cold, and portions of it still appeared to be raw. Matt's breakfast was the consistency of wallpaper paste but not nearly as appealing. Luke declared it to be the worst food he's ever had, and this is coming from a boy who routinely dines on candy he finds on the floor and Pillsbury Toaster Scrambles for breakfast and says they are the BEST things he's ever eaten. I actually began to feel the moral obligation to stand outside of Millie's Kitchen of Hell and warn prospective patrons that they would be better off eating selections from the dumpster behind McDonald's.

But, we restrained ourselves so we could return to the Happiest Place on Earth to procure several thousand dollars worth of souvenirs that the children will forget about when we return home. Matt declared that Millie's was the best $50 he ever spent. I'm pretty sure he was kidding.

Tip #4: Avoid Disney Hotels.

I'm not saying this because they are horribly over-priced and not worth it...I'm saying this because if you go into one, you will immediately experience extreme room-envy and the perfectly fine hotel room you rented for quite a bit less money will now begin to seem like the honeymoon suite at a roach motel where they rent you sheets by the hour. My brother-in-law secured a suite at the Grand Californian, which is the mother of all Disney hotels, and the children got to spend the night with him. I'm surprised they came back to stay with us at all, especially after the Space Mountain Incident. The Grand Californian is beautiful and stunning and full of Disney themed whimsy and I got the distinct impression that they had secret wallet-scanning devices implanted in the decorative plants to determine whether you could, in fact, afford to be in the lobby.

But really, we enjoyed our off-site hotel, especially since it allowed us to save several hundred dollars that we could use to buy food, which turns out to be the most expensive thing you will purchase at Disneyland, except possibly for those pictures they take of you when you are concluding your ride experiences and where the G-forces cause your face look as if you are being actively launched into space. In fact, my children were so enthralled by the pirate-themed spray park at our hotel that they kept asking to go swimming instead of going to Disneyland. Perhaps next time we'll just go stay near Disneyland and swim and watch the fireworks over the giant wall o' Happiness thus saving the $1000 in park-hopper passes so we can afford to eat dinner.

Tip #5: Go in the Winter.

If you're like me, you have a reaction to being in large crowds that causes you to want to punch people you don't even know, especially if they walk on the wrong side of the street and bump into you a lot. Unfortunately, this behavior is not looked upon with favor at most of your major attractions, so you have to either learn to control yourself or go to those attractions during times when your typical Disneyland patron is doing more important things, like working or attending school. So, you should really aim for heading to Disneyland during the hours of 9 a.m to 3 p.m. on a Tuesday in the middle of January, as long as there's a full moon and it's raining. Really, that's about the only time you'll be able to go to Disneyland and not have half of Southern California standing in line in front of you, waiting for the opportunity to terrorize their children on Space Mountain. I also heard that Superbowl Sunday is a good time to go, since most of the nation will be at home watching Superbowl commercials and enjoying the game in the form of drinking beer and eating vile chili-cheese dip made with Velveeta.

If you attend Disney's California Adventure during one of the other, less desirable times, you can make your experience better by sending your kids in by themselves to wait in line while you excuse yourself to another sector of the park where you can drink $11.50 Disney themed cocktails in peace like civilized people. Then, when the time is right, push your way through the thousands of people who have since lined up behind your children so that you can join them on the ride. At least, that's what I saw a lot of parents doing while I was standing in line with my children like a good parent.

So, there you have it. My top five tips for travelling to Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth, a place where, if you wish upon an official Disney-licensed Star (Patent Pending) your dreams really do come true.