How to learn Greek in five minutes or less...Guaranteed!

I just found out about a week ago that my husband and I are going to Crete in two weeks. Now I'm stressed.

I have never been good at learning languages. I took two years of French in high school, and the only thing I remember is "Merci Beaucoup," which I think means "Thank you." It's either that, or "I surrender."

I'm sure my inability to learn French was due mainly to the extreme dislike I had for my French teacher. She'd sit in front of the class, eating bonbons and commenting derisively at our pronounciation. Of course, our pronounciation wasn't helped by the fact that this was 1986, and we were all in full valley-girl mode, adding the word "like" six times into every sentence and generally sounding like imbiciles. I knew that if I ever did find myself in France, I would be the hapless tourist who inadvertently starts an international incident because instead of saying "Pardon me, where could I find a public restroom which I don't have to pay to use," I would have accidentally threatened to assasinate the Prime Minister. Or President. Just what is the guy who surrenders called in France, anyway?

So, I gave up on languages. Well, I gave up until I went to Italy and found myself actually needing to speak the language. I gained newfound confidence. I was rather good at it. I started interpreting for my husband. And, I didn't start any international incidents while trying to order a cappuccino, which is my benchmark for learning languages.

So, this time I would actually like to try and learn a little Greek before I get on the plane. I could try to learn it on the plane, using one of those language programs that I can load on my iPod. However, I'm a little afraid of being subjected to a body cavity search by airport security because someone turned me in due to the fact that I was muttering to myself for 25 hours. No, I think I'd like to learn Greek in the privacy of my home, or possibly my car. People already think I'm crazy because I sing at the top of my lungs while driving, or yell at the radio when I hear something on talk radio that really makes me mad. Muttering Greek to myself while driving wouldn't be a big stretch.

My main problem is that my kids are in the car with me, and they are not exactly helpful when it comes to maintaining peace and relative quiet so I can devote my mind to learning. If I try to learn Greek while in the car, the only phrases I'll be able to retain will be "don't make me pull this car over," (unhelpful, since I don't plan on driving in Crete) "stop looking at your sister," (again, unhelpful) and, "I'll give you something to cry about," (guaranteed to result in arrest).

So, I plan on listening to my Greek language lessons at night, while trying to go to sleep. That will ensure two things. First, I will have at least five minutes of uninterrupted study time before my children start asking for water or a de-monstering of their rooms, and second, that every time I try to say "Hello" in Greek, I'll become inexplicably drowsy. I won't even be able to order food without passing out cold on the table at the taverna.

Maybe I should just forget the Greek and speak really loudly in English instead. That usually works.